“Nothing. Everything. I don’t really know…” Maybe it’s hormones. Something deeper, a stirring in my spirit? Just another long day of homeschool, chores, getting back to school in my 30’s & cross-cultural living?? Or, maybe it’s just a case of not so fresh left-overs for lunch causing this ‘mood’ I’m in… In any case, my answer didn’t really help Mark understand what was up with me tonight. I’m sure some of you can relate. – I started thinking about how so many people are dealing with worse things than my ‘list’ of things getting me down. The people we visit in the ‘cage-homes’. Everyone affected by Hurricane Sandy. The poor immigrant families of my English students… I’ve been praying for our team mate Jamie who needs a healing miracle!! I even prayed with my Aunt on the phone today as she plans my Uncle’s funeral service… Then all of those things just added to the already dark & sad state of mind I was in. What a mess, what to do?
I used to handle these kind of days very differently than I did today. Nights of hitting the town with friends, a case of beer & a pack of cigarettes come to mind. I have not always been the ‘clean cut’ girl that writes this blog. SHOCKER, a Christian that’s got a past! Ha ha, well guess what, we ALL have one! It’s just that I like to remind myself of mine now & then… because it allows me to share the amazing things God has done to change me & give me a future! – So what’s the one thing that gives me hope today, in the midst of the icky & helpless feelings – that I can’t even explain to my best & closest friend on earth?? The fact that I don’t HAVE to explain it to my best friend & Father in heaven!! He was ready to hear me, but when i had no words, only silent tears, he understood perfectly! When I don’t understand my own heart, He holds me with His promises. Promises to love me forever & ever without condition. Promises to accept & even celebrate who I am… even when I forget who that is. He reminds me who I am. He tells me how He treasures me & strengthens & protects me!
I found myself going back & forth all day. Listing the problems, listing the promises. Studying the Word & watching an amazing sunset – thankful for an ocean view to watch it by… Then back to everything around me causing irritation… Have you been there?? Well, I used ever last bit of self-control to get through dinner & send myself to my room, hoping not to take anything out on my sweet family! My solution? My new way of handling these moments? JESUS! I cried, I prayed, I opened my bible & let Him talk to me through His Word. The passage I read was not something that screamed an end all answer at me… but I waited for God to speak through His Spirit… He showed me how the verses were written to tell a bigger story, that He was there & solving problems 2,000 years ago & He’s still doing the same today. That I matter to Him, that my ‘little list’ is important & He’s already working on my problems, he cares about the little things too… Because I am HIS BELOVED, His precious child & He has MADE ME (& YOU) – beautifully & wonderfully & then He made me (& YOU) His Princess (& Prince), Heir to His throne of Grace in Heaven! (Psalm 139:14, Romans 8:17)
When I started this site, I promised to tell you all the good & the ugly… I’d say this is actually both… My heart still feels all mixed up. But as I write this I am noticeably less overwhelmed. The problem is never more than God can handle. He knows how you feel even when you don’t know yourself. He knows exactly who you are, even when you forget. And He’s already reminding you… just hold still & listen. Listen to the rain, to your tears, to His voice in the wind & in His Word. Jesus loves you & He wants to be the one you trust & lean on… My new way of coping is to run to Jesus. He is my hope. My refuge. I know He will bring me back to myself. He has transformed my mind & He continues to work with me every day. I am so grateful that He has everything under control already. I will trust Him to show me & guide me through each thing on my ‘list’. I will not worry about tomorrow. He holds my world in his hands & He will take care of tomorrow… I will trust Him because He loves me & He has never let me fall. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs 3:5-6